A buddy of mine named Ralph and I decided to take in a film some years ago, so we went to the local megaplex and settled into our seats with our giant Bladder Buster cup-o'-pop and some Milk Duds. The lights dimmed, the soundtrack swelled in volume, and the trailers for up and coming films were shown.
I don't remember which movie we saw that day, but I distinctly remember the first trailer. It was for a remake of a really bad 1960 monster film entitled 13 Ghosts. (The IMDB entry for the original is here, in case you are interested.)
Does that mean I wanted to see this ghost movie? Not at all! Instead both Ralph and I were appalled at how the trailer, which is specifically designed to look better than the actual film, left us squirming in our seats. We were actually embarrassed that someone would see us while we sat through that 90 second pile of crap.
What nailed this particular incident down as a Rummel Memory Moment was a scene which flashed on the screen for a second, maybe less. A hapless young woman was trapped in some plastic ghost prison or something, her body being lifted off the floor and flung about by some unseen spectral force. I turned to Ralph and asked him if he found that scene to be the least bit scary.
"Nope." Ralph replied in his trademark laconic style. "Because if they can touch me, that means I can touch them!"
Ralph is gifted with an amazing ability to cut through the horse poop.
Horror movies routinely fail to generate the required dread, and I think most self defense enthusiasts will agree with me on that. Zombies, werewolves, vampires? They can be taken down with a combination of shot placement and ammo selection.
Knife wielding maniac cutting up shrieking, photogenic teens? We figure the parents of the teens should be shot since they obviously were remiss in little Jane or Johnny's education. If it were my kids they would know that you don't drive out to the remote cabin in the woods unless you have enough firepower to repel an invasion of vampire zombie werewolves. Knife Boy probably wouldn't have enough time to pull his weapon of choice and pose menacingly before becoming yet another statistic.
And before you write a comment to point out that some knife wielding maniacs are actually unkillable zombies in their own right, let me just say that there is a reason why my kids would also pack a chainsaw. Those guys always fall down for a few minutes after getting shot so the magic healing mojo can have time to kick in, which should be just enough time for them to be sliced-and-diced into four limbs and a torso. Any child of mine, staring down at the squirming pieces, would be torn between calling the sheriff in order to turn the dangerous criminal over to the law or selling the freak to the circus for some extra beer money.
There are a few monster flicks that I find amusing if not actually frightening. The Tremors series of films that I mentioned yesterday deftly sidesteps the question of human tool using vs monster lethality by featuring giant worms that can burrow under the dirt, thus being relatively immune to small arms fire. A lot of the fun is watching the characters try to figure out ways to kill the worms when conventional methods are ineffective.
Considering what I have written so far, you probably won't find it too surprising to learn that I have little interest in going to see horror films. The latest big thing is a series of films where people are kidnapped and placed in bizarre deathtraps. They have a limited amount of time where they must do something disgusting, painful and creepy in order to get out of the trap before time runs out and they are killed in bloody ways.
I never saw any of the films, but they seem to be really popular. Maybe I'll rent the first one some day when I have nothing better to do.
Comments (5)
I have the same aversion to horror films. About 10 minutes in, I'm thinking to myself, hey, this could be over NOW if someone in this brain dead group had a .357 Magnum and a box of hollowpoints...
That's why I liked the "Nightmare on Elm Street" series - at least they made an attempt to sidestep the "why doesn't anyone get a gun" problem.
It's not recent, either - I watched Hitchcock's "The Birds" and spent pretty much the entire movie wondering how much shorter it could have been with a single .410 and a box of birdshot...
Posted by Jay G | November 2, 2006 10:08 AM
Posted on November 2, 2006 10:08
Those films you mention are not horror films. They are nothing better than slasher films, like snuff films except the snuffing is only simulated.
True horror is induced by what is not shown, or not explicity described.
The explicitness removes the human imagination part of the equation. Once the unknown becomes known, it is no longer horror.
This is why the opening scene of Tremors is so effective (in my opinion). Something made that old guy climb that tower and die of exposure because he was afraid to come down. But what? When the cause is revealed later, the effect is lost.
The same effect is induced by the opening scene of the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre (I've never seen any of the remakes, and I'm not really interested in them). Nothing is shown but a swinging light, with flashing scenes of carnage revealed in each swath of illumination. But: what is really going on?
The only movie I can think of offhand that remains true to the "fear of the unknown" effect is The Blair Witch Project. Right up to the end, nothing is revealed.
Pulling this trick off is very difficult, it seems. Most movie-makers just take the easy way out and opt for the splatter. They'll make money anyway, so why should they care?
Posted by AlanDP | November 2, 2006 5:45 PM
Posted on November 2, 2006 17:45
I agree with Alan, but what he mentions is just one aspect of real horror.
I wrote about terror vs. horror recently, here.
Posted by David V.S. | November 2, 2006 6:13 PM
Posted on November 2, 2006 18:13
I'm not a big fan of the slasher genre, but I do enjoy other types of horror movies. I thought Ghost Ship had a great premise and was executed (pun intended) very well. When a large inanimate object becomes possessed and pissed off, there is not a whole lot that small arms can do. Steven King's The Mangler was a good portrayal of this kind of thing (the book, not the crappy movie).
Posted by Brass | November 3, 2006 12:46 PM
Posted on November 3, 2006 12:46
I actually had the misfortune to have seen "Thirteen Ghosts". Let's just say that Ed Wood would've been gratified: At last, here was a movie that made Plan Nine look GOOD by comparison.
Posted by DaveP. | December 5, 2006 1:31 PM
Posted on December 5, 2006 13:31